it was on valentines day...

This plan had better work. I hope she gets the message. But, how do I give it to her? What will I say? Should I use my left or right hand? Augh!!! What the heck… I’ll just let things happen… "Bahala na si Lord".

My mouth is dry, I can’t seem to move my jaw, she’s so quiet-- why is she quiet? She’s not talking like she usually does when we are together. Does she suspect that I have a plan? My knees start to shake as I try to start a conversation. I almost tripped while I was at it but it didn’t matter, that made her laugh. The ice had been broken. I felt comfortable at that instant.

“So, has anyone given you flowers today?” I asked

“No,” she replied.

“Then I would be the first?”

Then she smiled. Seeing her smile because of something I said made me happy. It made me happy because she was happy. I was closer to her now, not just physically, but emotionally as well.

Nothing may ever happen between us in the future, so this one moment I will cherish forever.

hello again, my friend...

Hello again, how are you? How long has it been? 6 months? Has it been that long since you broke my heart with those oh so terrible words? I said that I would wait for you, I said that I may already be in love with you… but in the end what did you say in reply? Words that shattered my pride, words that destroyed my dreams, words that sucked the happiness out of my life. All that remained in me was pain. All that I had suffered while waiting for you seemed to all run together and forced itself into me and choked my already bleeding heart.

“Why are you still doing this?” Those were the words that tore me down. Were the three years that I waited for you not enough to answer your question? THREE YEARS… three years of bittersweet experiences… all for nothing. Are all the things I have done nothing to you? Are all my sacrifices all for naught? Aren’t three years of waiting enough to say “I love you"?

You are so dense... well, maybe I was too. But you have changed a lot since we first met. First you were warm, then when I started courting you, you gradually became cold. Why? The answer to that I may never know.

Maybe we were never meant to be, but I so wanted us to BE. It never worked out, but I tried so hard for it to work. Maybe I was the only one doing all the work. Maybe you never really wanted me in the first place. Maybe you just miss your friend, the one who promised to wait for you, the one who said that he may already be in love with you. He is here, he is hurt… but is okay with just being friends.

focus...

Sometimes my life seems out of focus, my goals are all blurry, and my dreams seem to be impossible. I feel broken and often times left wondering-- “where am I going with my life?”

I wake up, I go to class, and I train then go to sleep. That is my daily schedule. It seems that I’m not going anywhere. I feel like I’m trapped in a world of responsibilities that I can just barely accomplish. I feel pressure even though there is no one pressuring me. I feel stupid, I feel weak.

So where am I going… really?

I now remember what my father once told me as I was still recovering from an injury, “Hinay-hinay lang sa training, take it one step at a time.” Can this principle be applied to my life? If so, then I am after all going somewhere, even if I just move at a snail’s pace, I now know that I’ll reach somewhere, anywhere and I know that it’s going to be a place other than were I am now.

listen to the sounds...

What is it about songs that make them so appealing to me? I know it’s not just how they sound or how they seem to be clever with the lyrics. Is it because of the meanings or emotions they imply? I guess it is… what else would it be?

There are times when I find myself relating my life to songs on my computer. I guess I do it because I like basking in emotions be they positive or negative… Maybe it’s just because I can’t explain how I feel and I try to look for it in the songs that reflect certain emotions.
There seems to be a song for every emotion, a song for happiness, a song for sadness, a song for love, even a song for… well… nothing. And I almost always seem to find myself relating to any of these songs even though I don’t feel that way.

Is it just because I’m a sad pathetic teenager with no social life? I hope not. Maybe it’s just my own little way of trying to cope with the changes that life throws my way. I know that life changes fast... maybe I’m just too slow for it.

on PD 1017...

PD 1017 is, simply put, a manifestation of GMA’s abuse of the power that the Filipinos have mistakenly given her. It show’s GMA’s unprofessionalism; she worries only for herself and fails to recognize the consequences that would be suffered by the people. She had planted a bomb which would explode at any moment, this moment is when the people strike in full force-- this would result in striking fear in the hearts of many innocent people who pray only for peace.

PD 1071 shows that GMA is just paranoid-- she thinks that the people are conspiring against her. Well, to a certain extent, the people ARE but they have valid reasons, GMA does not deserve to be the President, she cheated the presidency and she cheated the people.

What ever happened to democracy-- where the people are in power? PD 1017 simply restricts the people, the unwarranted arrests limit the people’s actions and the attack on the press is similar to attacking the people for it is the press that informs the people.

In general… PD 1071 is BAAAAAD!

the time will come...

It was a day like any other, everybody in class was doing his or her own thing-- cramming homework, chatting at the top of their lungs, fixing their stuff. Basically, they are all hyping themselves up for class. Amidst all the commotion, I only focus myself on this one girl. She sits two chairs to my right, I notice her every move, from the movement of her feet, to the gestures of her hands. She was delicate-- a true Filipina beauty. My eyes were locked on her and only her-- I did not take notice of anything else.

She had long black hair which swayed in the opposite direction every time she moved her head. Sometimes, her hair covered her ears but at times her ears break through to the surface and-- oh what a sight-- she seems to be an elf, a divine creature which deserves all the respect and all the love in the world. I guess I wanted to give her all that, but I could never gather the courage to tell her how I feel.

I am that kind of person, or at least I was… “TORPE” is what they would call it.
This girl had enchanted me; she seems to have put a spell on me which changed my outlook on life. My life, which was once a gloomy and self-centered one and filled to the brim with problems and worries, is now a happy place, filled with thoughts of only her and me together. If I wanted my desires to come true, I had to take action; I had to make a move. If I were to break the chains of “torpe”, I had to overcome my fear of being rejected. But I couldn’t make up my mind. It seems “torpe” was now a part of my life.

Maybe only time could decide for me.